Don’t Waste Your Pain

Infertility brings a wide array of emotions. Loss, loneliness, stress, anger, despair , and constantly “on hold” are all words that Matt and I have felt over the past 15 months.  I think (in the last few months especially) that we have learned to worship God even though our hearts were breaking.  We are trying to desire God more than our desire to have a baby.  We try and pray bold prayers believing that God does wondrous miracles, and that we could very well be one of them.  2^nd Corinthians 6:10 says, “Our hearts ache, but we always have joy.  We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.”   When I read that, it gave me a new motto to follow.  Our hearts are broken, but we are trying to find joy in the journey.  What about your heart? Is it broken? Can you find JOY in the journey, despite that pain?

Back in July was our first appointment with our specialist, almost 3 months post miscarriage.  We went over things for almost an hour when she looked up and said, “Give me 18 months to get you pregnant.”  I wish I could tell you that I said something sweet and admirable.  Jaw on the floor, I’m looking at her and I said, “Nope.”  18 months? I thought she was supposed to be one of the top specialists in the country?! What in the world is going to take her 18 months?  In the end, my mom and Matt talked me off the cliff, and we decided on a course of action for getting my body right.  Through this journey, I have learned that God is good in all things.  I believe that God is sovereign over our infertility.  I believe that He was sovereign when we were losing our baby.  I know he heard our prayers sobbing, crying out to Him for mercy and a miracle when the bleeding and horrific cramping started.  It was not a surprise to God when it happened, and ultimately he used our loss for His good.

So, since we are on this road for however long it takes, I don’t want to be “wasting my pain.”  I need to remember that other women and couples out there might be able to hear my story and gather strength or hope from it. What are you going through in life?  Can you use it to bring hope or encouragement to people?  Have you privately gone through something that someone could hear about and change/learn/grow from? I’m not saying you have to start a blog and potentially let the world hear your heart and experiences.  All I’m saying is to be open to the possibility that someone in your life could be experiencing the kind of pain you once were and that your painful experience could be used to benefit someone else in the process.  Sharing your story and how you got through it could bring someone a renewed sense of hope and encouragement.

Therefore, instead of saying things like “What did I do to deserve this pain?” (Boy, am I guilty of saying irrational things like this in the middle of a meltdown) Let’s try saying, “what good is God going to bring though this?” Romans 8:28 tells us that "…all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." The next verse tells us what that purpose is. God intends for us to be conformed to the image of His Son (Romans 8:29) … So we know from scripture that the trial we are facing can help us to be more like Christ.

There’s no doubt that growing is painful sometimes. As I reflect on the past 12 months, 2013 has been an interesting year.  One of great joys, and great sorrows.  It wasn't my favorite year, that’s for sure! HOWEVER, I wouldn't change it, because I know the Lord is doing a mighty work in our lives, and I want to be where HE wants me. I pray that in 2014, God would give us what we ache for: a growing family.  I don’t know what that looks like…. Maybe our babies are already out there, and we will adopt. One thing I’m really going to work on is to not be swayed by my own desires.  I want to be firmly planted in what God wants for us.  The only way I can truly know that is if I go to Him; daily….constantly.  In the meantime, I’m going to take a look at my life and be thankful for everything that God has blessed us with.  We both have our health,  great jobs, a beautiful, cozy home, an amazing church, wonderful friends and family, a NEW puppy… the list goes on. 

Shameless plug: How amazingly cute is this little guy?  Teddy is 8 weeks old and we are SO in love with our little furball.  Funny how much joy a pet can bring into a home so quickly.  As we all know… we can’t wait to fill our home with little humans!!

Wishing you an amazing, fun filled SAFE New Year's Eve! Talk to you in 2014!

Mark 11:24 “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”


 “We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, “Why did this happen to me?” unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.” –Author Unknown.

Brokenness-a recipe for strength

For anyone that knows me well, knows that I used to be considered a gym rat.  Going to the gym and challenging myself 5 days a week was high up on there on my favorite things to do. I loved to lift, I loved to run, I loved to do “Crazy challenges.”  However, when you want to have a baby, in less you are extremely fertile, you have to SLOW things down.  Anything is worth it when you want to grow your family.  I went through a couple different seasons of not working out at all, to zero cardio only weights, to eating CRAP just trying to gain weight,  before our specialist truly shed some light on what was wrong. For my nosy friends, (just kidding) I'm up about 8 pounds and 5% body fat.  So here I am now, working out and trying to eat right, because that’s what is healthy and good for my body and overall being.

Let’s talk muscles a bit…  I don’t have a degree in personal training or nutrition, but I consider myself fairly knowledgeable in nutrition and training.  Most theories of muscle growth are based on the idea that lifting breaks down the muscle, and growth occurs from over-compensating to protect the body from future stress.  Our body breaks down and rebuilds muscles every 15-30 days.  Lifting speeds up this process due to an increased need for fuel.  I could go on, but hopefully you get my point. .. In order to grow in muscle size, muscles need to be strained and broken down so they can regrow.  Now, if we use this analogy in our regular lives, we can see a correlation between being broken down and gathering strength. For it’s in the breaking that we can find beauty.  It’s in the breaking that we transform.

Faith is something we can always choose to have regardless of what we see or believe.  But if we adhere to the thinking that we are being broken down, so we can be made stronger, it might make this season of (insert crappy circumstance here) a little bit easier.  It is the role of faith not to question, but to simply obey.

Let’s use our broken experiences in our lives to develop a level of unfathomable spiritual strength. I want to develop a level of strength and faith that at any moment, despite any news from the doctor that I can automatically tell myself “NO. MY GOD CAN DO ANYTHING.”

Am I there yet? Noooo.   2 weeks ago, I was a sobbing mess for a whole weekend. (My poor husband.) Sometimes things hit your heart, and it seems impossible to deal with. Nevertheless, we got through, and I think I’m making good strides along the way, and that’s all anyone can ask for.

 And if you want me to be painfully truthful, we have the example of my almost 8 month preggo sister, Kelsey.  They have their little babe due February 1^st.  What a great example of overwhelming jealousy combined with overwhelming love and happiness for her and Cody.  It’s been an interesting journey for both of us.  They got pregnant without trying about 3 weeks after we lost our baby. OUCH! I know it’s been painful for both of us.  She is going through what is supposed to be the most exciting time in their lives, and we are still grieving.  I know Kelsey felt like she couldn’t bring it up, because she didn’t want to make me sad.  I’ve really had to pray through it.  I talked all things baby when on the inside I felt like I was dying, and she’s kept  quiet when  I’m sure she is bursting with excitement on the inside.  I hope she feels I’ve handled it all with grace.   This weekend we threw her a baby shower, and I was worried about how I would handle it.  After all, I should be in the hospital or darn close.  Instead, I’m throwing my best friend a shower for her baby.  We’re not in control of what happens in our lives, but I can take rest in who is.  I know I’m being broken down to sometimes what feels like literally nothing, so God can grow me.  I’m excited and hopeful to see what will come of it.



Somehow I came across Genesis 18:14 the other day...It says, "Is anything too hard for the LORD?  I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son."


WOW.  Right there, I feel an automatic increase of hope in my heart.  God is teaching me through the pain and wrestling of my heart and mind.  I'm being filled with His love WHILE being emptied by all the pain.  For those that feel empty with me, know you are not alone.  Let's build up some amazing "spiritual muscle" together!

Keep.The.Faith

“Failure vs. Success”

Sometimes we might feel like a failure when we look back at some choices we have made in our lives. Life has been sure to deal all of us many circumstances, trials, blessings, and different seasons along the way.  Some reading this might feel like season after season they are dealing with a tribulation in which their head is barely above water; you’re treading and slowly, but surely losing

Going through this long season of infertility has definitely handed me a wide range of emotions. One of them is feeling “less of a woman and a wife.”  As a woman, I was unable to do what my heart has ALWAYS longed for. When I was growing up, I didn't want to be a doctor, a teacher (though did I ADORE those years), or a veterinarian.  I wanted with all my being to be a Mommy.  Month after month of “failure” it really starts to eat at you.  How can I be a woman and not perform the most basic function of womanhood??  Thoughts would flood my mind with how much “I suck, my body sucks, why can’t I do what a woman is supposed to do, etc.” That last sentence was less than eloquent, but truthful.  Can you relate??

Then I experienced failure in my eyes as a wife. My husband and I were deeply yearning to grow our family.  All the problems and hindrances went back to me. It was my fault we were feeling all this pain and disappointment.  My body was failing in giving my husband the baby he wanted. I watched him tear up at cute videos, sweet pictures, or just a commercial with kids. (He has the most amazing heart.)  But those tears would pick at my self-worth, and I would speak wrongly to myself, which left me feeling deep feelings of inadequacy and guilt.  It’s a lot to put on yourself.  I was able to express these feelings to Matt, and while I knew the right answer in my heart, it felt good to hear him reassure me that none of this was MY fault.  We were a team, and there was no room for placing blame on myself or my body.  Matt said that we would continue to put our trust and faith in God.  Doctors are awesome. They are brilliantly smart, and they have helped us tremendously. But at the end of the day, ALL glory and honor must go to Him.

Now let’s go from failure to talking about success.  I believe to truly understand it; we need to let God help us redefine “success.”

What is success?  First, let’s look at how the world defines success.  Success by worldly standards probably includes a large, beautiful home, lots of money, an attractive spouse, fancy car, “hot” body, and prestigious job.  Success in the world could also include wealth and power in several different positions.  None of these are “bad.” I know many Christians that have beautiful homes, stunning spouses, and have been blessed financially, etc.  Here’s where I believe the catch is:  When that is all that defines you, we have a problem. Eventually all that will fade, stretch, sag, etc! You get my point J   By those standards, many of us are not a success, and therefore we consider ourselves failed.  Thankfully, God sets a different standard.  At the end of the day, things here on earth are MEANINGLESS.  Success in God’s eyes is different.   I believe that God’s heart for EVERYONE is to love and seek Him daily; and then to go out and love others.   Success is measured in following God and what HE wants for your life.  When you let God shape your perspective, there’s no such thing as failure.  Learn, grow, and let the Lord refine you as he works in your life.

Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Just as seasons are sure to change, so will your life in due time.  Nothing is forever. If your marriage is in trouble, if you’re not sure how you’re going to pay the mortgage month to month, if your teenager is out of control, if you too are desperate to grow your family… PLEASE HEAR ME.  It will not always be that way.  Does this mean we sit back and watch and wait for things to magically change? Absolutely not.  Recently, my book club read The Circle Maker.  It had a quote in there that said, “Work like it depends on you, but PRAY like it depends on God.”

As I type this, my Pandora is playing “Nothing is Wasted”  J  If you haven’t heard that song, and you’re looking for something to speak directly into your soul, click here and listen! This song spoke so strongly to me in the days following the loss of our baby. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrgmjZU1ivI

When feelings of self-doubt, guilt, failure start creeping in your mind remember this:

You are deeply loved.

1. You are not alone.
2. It’s going to be okay. 
3. You’re going to make it.

Thank you, Pastor Ty Schenzel for sharing this.  Speak this into your life each time your mind is going to a negative place.  Take care of your heart, and tell yourself (and others) this as often as need be.

SO, if you are in what seems to be the fiery pits of hell, or you are dancing on rainbows, remember it is a season. You will get through it, you will experience suffering, and you will not always be in a joyful season. I’m not being pessimistic, just being real.  Refer to John 16:33 to learn more.

Whew! Did this get long winded.  Time to wrap it up.  In the end, I want you to know that success is measured in following God and what HE wants for your life.  We all face hard times in life, but God wants us to see the good in every circumstance.  When you let God shape your perspective, there’s no such thing as failure.  Learn, grow, and let the Lord refine you as he works in your life.  I like how the band Unspoken says it in their song “Lift My Life Up”, “If I’m under fire I know it’s refining me, have your way in me” I have felt under fire for a good 14 months. I desperately want it over, but for now I will wait on the Lord. Wait with me J  God bless you!

Keep.The.Faith.