Far Above Rubies

I'm going to start this post by saying that I only mean good by what I'm about to share. I'm praying that God will use my words for good and not evil.  If you've been reading each post you know that I've been very open about our infertility.  It saddens and amazes me with each message, comment, and email I get from women who are heartbroken and experiencing the same things we are.

The idea for this post came to me after venting with a friend going through a similar situation about all the hurtful things people say. Below is a post written about things NOT to say to couples struggling with infertility.  It’s a tough subject to talk about, because I don’t want to offend people that have said these things below. However, life is tough, and education on this issue is important.  All of these things have been said to me at least one time.  Before I go on sharing about things you shouldn't say, I’m going to share something that I said in my head once before….

A good friend and mentor of mine told me about this lady who had 3 young girls and recently miscarried with baby #4.  She had created a video blog and Terri thought it might be helpful for me to hear what she said. Now before I share what I embarrassingly thought in my head, I’m asking you not to judge me. We all have thoughts we shouldn't think.  As soon as I watched her video blog, I quickly realized how incredibly wrong I was…. SO.. I know we all want to know what I was thinking. As Terri is sharing about this amazing woman I’m thinking to myself, “that’s so sad she miscarried, but at least she already has 3 kids.” As if that somehow makes that loss easier for her and her family. WHAT?! That’s crazy talk. That night I went home and got online to watch the video. It goes without saying that her and her husband were heartbroken about their loss. I was ashamed at how I thought earlier that evening.  I share this because I don’t want to come off as I’m speaking down to anyone who’s mistakenly said one or more of these below. We've all done, thought, said stupid things that are said in efforts to make things better, but sometimes instead hurt feelings or come off as offensive.  

1. The "one upper".... My uncle's brother's wife's friend struggled for 7 years. Yours isn't that bad yet..... Purely not helpful

2. I hate being pregnant. I'm so fat.... To me, there is nothing more beautiful than a big belly. I would happily gain weight if it meant I would be pregnant. I can tell you that most women struggling have probably prayed to be fat, to have a child that doesn't sleep, a colicky baby, etc.  I know I specifically have prayed for the worst morning sickness ever. Sounds weird, right? But if I had morning sickness, then I would be pregnant.

3. You can have my kids. They make me crazy. No thanks! Please appreciate the blessings you've been given.

4. At least you can still sleep in.... What I would do to be up every 2 hours... couples wanting to get pregnant would trade any luxury to have a baby.

**Side note: I know (or can imagine) that parenting is overly exhausting and at times incredibly frustrating.  My heart is not that you can never vent/complain/feel what you're feeling, just to be careful who you share your struggles with at times. Obviously a real friendship is one where you can meet each other where each person is at. Just because one is struggling with infertility does not mean the person that is already a parent can never vent their frustrations.  I actually enjoy hearing about people's pregnancies and how things are going. I feel I do a decent job (depending on the day) of asking preggos how they're feeling, what is new in their pregnancy, etc. I just think there are times to be honest, and times to choose another person to vent to. 

5. Maybe it's not meant to be... or when the time is right. I honestly have no words for this one.

6. Have you tried gaining weight/IVF/steroids/standing on your head after sex/avoiding all grains/trying this position/etc This is a tough one, because everyone wants to give a piece of advice that they feel is pertinent and will be helpful. I know hearts are usually in the right place, but everything you've tried or thought might be helpful, we've probably already tried, done, thought of.

7. Just go on a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant

8. Just relax. Stop trying and you'll get pregnant.... I did some research and only 20% of couples with infertility have no identifiable cause. That means 80% of couples (like me and Matt) have one or more diagnosis's to deal with.  If we are to "stop trying" that could mean never having a baby.  Yes there have been people that stop trying and get pregnant. (Praise God!) but that is the exception not the rule.

9. Just adopt and then you'll get pregnant.  First of all, you don’t “just” adopt.  There’s not an adoption store down the street.

According to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, "Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt, and the percentage of people who get pregnant after failed infertility treatment is even smaller. I find the notion of adopting in order to get pregnant totally unconscionable. If you want to adopt then you adopt, but you don't do it as a means of getting pregnant."

Basically any unsolicited advice can kind really hurt feelings.... Here's the thing... We know that's not your heart. It can be difficult to talk with people that are struggling in this area because a lot of people don't know what to say and just want to make you feel better. I know hearts are in the right place. That said, I hope this blog post is educational.

Things you CAN say:

1. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

2. I know I don't understand (if you don't) but know I'm here to talk if you want.

3. We're praying for you (only if you actually are) 

How can you pray for people going through infertility?

Galatians 6:2 “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.”

Please pray for our physical and emotional state, keeping our marriage strong and open in communication, that we would keep Christ at the center, pray for the husband who hates seeing his wife so sad and frustrated. The list probably goes on, but those are the first that come to my mind.

Here's an example of a good text back in December after our due date.

And if it's you going through this battle, remember that GOD is the one that is bigger than any doctor, position, fertility drug, etc.  I've really had to stop and take time to soak in that truth the past couple weeks. It's so hard after each failed round, each bad ultrasound, nurses call, the list goes on.  However, that does NOT change the sovereignty of our Lord. So just as we hope that others would be careful what they say to us, remember to be careful what you say to YOU. 

"Is anything too hard for our God? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son." Genesis 18:14

I hope this helps shed a little light on things.  I know I’m probably guilty of saying some of these before I understood what people are going through in regards to infertility.  A colossal thanks to all my readers for all the support and encouragement along the way!

Keep.the.faith.