Mother's Day... Bittersweet!

It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write. Life has been crazy busy, and consuming in many ways. I’m excited to start writing again and share all that God has done in the past 6 months of our journey.  But today, I want to talk about Mother’s Day.  There is a scale of emotions for women on this day: from painful, heartbroken, just general happiness, and feelings of thankfulness to feeling absolutely treasured and adored by your family.

Mother’s Day weekend is bittersweet for me. In all honesty, heavy on the bitter,  and the tiniest dab of sweet.  I yearn for what would’ve been my almost 6 month old baby to be in my arms, to see what kind of personality she would have. What would her hair look like?  I desire to feel that “my heart is melting- I am so in love” kind of feeling when rocking my baby to sleep.  However, the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Last April, the Lord took that baby away. His purpose still unknown, but our job is to continue to trust in His greater plan.

My friend shared a blog post with me that captured and described my heart down to the very word. Here’s an excerpt:

“Our church seemed unusually prolific, busting at the seams with round-bellied women and diapered toddlers. It often felt like work for me to walk into a room and see them for His beauty on them and not simply as women who knew this apparent “rite of passage” — that I couldn’t quite get. At times, this surfaced envy and at others just that thick ache of loss and all the “why, Lord?” questions that came with it. On days when I wasn’t running to Him with what surfaced, it was all easier to avoid than to face.”

To anyone who has been trying to have a baby, you probably feel that all the pregnant women in your city are most certainly stalking you.  And while they very well might be everywhere, I can now see it as a sign of hope…. If God can bless that couple with a child, (whether it was complicated or a happy surprise) He can most certainly do it in us as well.

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

…Back to Mother’s Day…

I’m excited to celebrate my wonderfully amazing Mother. She’s been more than I could ask for my entire life, and of course continues to stand right by our side through each up and down Matt and I face.  I’m excited to celebrate my mother in law, one of the sweetest MIL’s I could ever ask for.  I’m excited to celebrate my little sister, who gets to experience her first Mother’s Day with her husband and baby Caden.  I’m excited to celebrate my SIL, Miranda and the amazing momma she is to Myles and Mosley. With great sadness, I will celebrate another amazing mother Genevieve, who was like a 2^nd mother to me. She was called home just 5 short days ago, and leaves behind precious 7 year old twin boys and a hero of a husband. I know she has received her crown in heaven, and I hope she gave our sweet angel a kiss. 

Genevieve’s death was a good reminder to see that EVERYONE is struggling. Sometimes it is big, and sometimes it is small. Everyone is carrying some kind of burden that aches deep in their heart.

“On a weekend when women stand and are celebrated for that glorious mundanity which is motherhood, there are just as many sitting beside them, whose hearts are sunk. The one who lost her baby this month and the other who’s logged years — not months — trying to conceive. The mama whose husband died or isn’t around to rally those troops to celebrate her and the other who has fostered children into a forever-mama’s arms but has none, yet, of her own. The single woman who wonders, on this particular day, if femininity has to be tied to offspring, and the mother — adopting — who has no stretch marks, only paperwork, to show for her pursuit.”

So if you are a Mommy of priceless kiddos, or a proud Grandma, or a momma who has a precious angel in Heaven, or the Mommy doing it all on her own.... tomorrow I will celebrate you! Know that you are loved and cherished beyond belief. I hope you feel God’s great goodness in your life, no matter the situation you are facing.  Believe that God can and WILL do a miracle in your life. Happy Mother’s Day! 

Matt 11:29: “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Excerpts from: http://everybitterthingissweet.com/2014/05/whose-linda-will-you-be-2/

All of us at one point or another might be dealt certain cards in life that are extremely difficult, heartbreaking, and forever life changing.  For us, the last 18 months or so has been infertility.  In fact, we are one our 3rd doctor (2nd specialist)... a couple weeks ago she told us she has only seen a handful of cases as bad as mine. AWESOME! Anyways, for whatever reason this is our life right now... For others, it's the loss of loved ones, for some it's cancer.... 

I asked a sweet woman,  Brynn Rasmussen to be a guest blogger, because she has quite the story of experiencing loss and hope as she deals with some major health issues.  You might have seen her on the news a couple months back.  Read her inspiring story below. Thank you Brynn for bravely continuing to share your story!

"Change can be scary, but you know what's scarier? Allowing Fear to stop you from Growing, Evolving, & Progressing." -Mandy Hale

I wanted to start this post with one quote I hold dear to my heart & try to live by each day. I found this quote & thought it was perfect for what I was dealing with just then. On Nov 12th 2013, I underwent a double mastectomy due to my 97.5% chance of getting breast cancer. My mom, as well as my twin sister & I, are carriers of the BRCA2 gene, a genetic mutation that highly increases a woman's risk of developing both breast & ovarian cancer. My mom had breast cancer at age 35 & is currently a 19-year survivor. (Go Mom!) With being a nurse, I worked with a lot of doctors so once I found out I tested positive for the BRCA2 gene, I'd ask oncologists & different internal medicine doctors what they'd recommend. The look some of them gave me on their face was often complete fear, especially after they asked how old my mom was when she was first diagnosed. I knew I was at high risk for not only getting breast cancer, but getting it at a young age. For this reason, I thought long & hard about undergoing a double mastectomy. The one & only thing that was holding me back was I wanted to breast feed if I was ever able to have children. I was very passionate about this. I went to my OBGYN & I remember her telling me "if this is the only thing that's holding you back from having a double mastectomy, then I think you should do it now, as you seem ready to do it." She said if you take 2 babies - 1 breast fed & 1 not - there's not enough evidence that 1 baby will turn out healthier than the other. Plus, she said "what if you're not able to have kids? What if you have a child & don't produce enough milk?" Bottom line: my health was more important than wanting to breast feed. Right after I talked to her, I scheduled an appointment with both my breast surgeon & plastic surgeon. I was ready to do it with no regrets & finally have that peace of mind. A week after my surgery on November 18th, I received a (random) call from my breast surgeon. I was home alone, in quite a bit of pain, resting on the couch. She said "Brynn-are you sitting down? I have something to tell you. Your pathology report from the breast tissue we took during surgery revealed a 4mm size tumor in your left breast." I was dumbfounded. What? I have breast cancer? I thought I was doing this PREVENTATIVE. I was in complete shock for about 2 weeks. It felt weird to even TELL people I had breast cancer. I kept thinking..why me? What did I do to deserve this at 27 years old? Did I do something wrong? I thought I was healthy - I ate right, exercised, maintained a healthy weight, didn't smoke or drink excessively. My job is very stressful - which I knew stress wasn't good for my body. To make a long story short, we get dealt these cards in life & not sure why God chooses us to go through such horrible experiences - whether it's infertility, cancer, miscarriage - whatever it is! I now am undergoing 4 rounds of chemotherapy, which puts me at an increased risk for never bearing a child. Obviously my health takes priority but I've always wanted to be a mother. I try to look at the positive though and realize I'm alive & they caught it early, which is key to beating this terrible disease. Right now, I have no hair, which I lost from chemo and I have these super uncomfortable expanders in to help stretch the skin on my chest in order to prepare them for my silicone implants I'll get on March 26th. I'm looking forward to that & my hair growing back - that's for sure. There's definitely days where I don't want to show my face because I don't feel "pretty" having no boobs, no hair, I'm weak & tired. But the most important thing I've learned through all of this, is the power of positive thinking, as well as the power of relationships & support from family & friends. My attitude always determined what kind of day I would have & I wasn't going to let the side effects of chemo, or the fact that I had no boobs & no hair, stop me from living the life I wanted to live. So to all the beautiful women reading this, you are NOT ALONE in this journey of challenge & misunderstanding. Always, always stay positive & never give up hope. And most importantly, never allow fear to stop you from growing, evolving, & progressing.

Much love, Brynn Rasmussen

I'm going to start this post by saying that I only mean good by what I'm about to share. I'm praying that God will use my words for good and not evil.  If you've been reading each post you know that I've been very open about our infertility.  It saddens and amazes me with each message, comment, and email I get from women who are heartbroken and experiencing the same things we are.

The idea for this post came to me after venting with a friend going through a similar situation about all the hurtful things people say. Below is a post written about things NOT to say to couples struggling with infertility.  It’s a tough subject to talk about, because I don’t want to offend people that have said these things below. However, life is tough, and education on this issue is important.  All of these things have been said to me at least one time.  Before I go on sharing about things you shouldn't say, I’m going to share something that I said in my head once before….

A good friend and mentor of mine told me about this lady who had 3 young girls and recently miscarried with baby #4.  She had created a video blog and Terri thought it might be helpful for me to hear what she said. Now before I share what I embarrassingly thought in my head, I’m asking you not to judge me. We all have thoughts we shouldn't think.  As soon as I watched her video blog, I quickly realized how incredibly wrong I was…. SO.. I know we all want to know what I was thinking. As Terri is sharing about this amazing woman I’m thinking to myself, “that’s so sad she miscarried, but at least she already has 3 kids.” As if that somehow makes that loss easier for her and her family. WHAT?! That’s crazy talk. That night I went home and got online to watch the video. It goes without saying that her and her husband were heartbroken about their loss. I was ashamed at how I thought earlier that evening.  I share this because I don’t want to come off as I’m speaking down to anyone who’s mistakenly said one or more of these below. We've all done, thought, said stupid things that are said in efforts to make things better, but sometimes instead hurt feelings or come off as offensive.  

1. The "one upper".... My uncle's brother's wife's friend struggled for 7 years. Yours isn't that bad yet..... Purely not helpful

2. I hate being pregnant. I'm so fat.... To me, there is nothing more beautiful than a big belly. I would happily gain weight if it meant I would be pregnant. I can tell you that most women struggling have probably prayed to be fat, to have a child that doesn't sleep, a colicky baby, etc.  I know I specifically have prayed for the worst morning sickness ever. Sounds weird, right? But if I had morning sickness, then I would be pregnant.

3. You can have my kids. They make me crazy. No thanks! Please appreciate the blessings you've been given.

4. At least you can still sleep in.... What I would do to be up every 2 hours... couples wanting to get pregnant would trade any luxury to have a baby.

**Side note: I know (or can imagine) that parenting is overly exhausting and at times incredibly frustrating.  My heart is not that you can never vent/complain/feel what you're feeling, just to be careful who you share your struggles with at times. Obviously a real friendship is one where you can meet each other where each person is at. Just because one is struggling with infertility does not mean the person that is already a parent can never vent their frustrations.  I actually enjoy hearing about people's pregnancies and how things are going. I feel I do a decent job (depending on the day) of asking preggos how they're feeling, what is new in their pregnancy, etc. I just think there are times to be honest, and times to choose another person to vent to. 

5. Maybe it's not meant to be... or when the time is right. I honestly have no words for this one.

6. Have you tried gaining weight/IVF/steroids/standing on your head after sex/avoiding all grains/trying this position/etc This is a tough one, because everyone wants to give a piece of advice that they feel is pertinent and will be helpful. I know hearts are usually in the right place, but everything you've tried or thought might be helpful, we've probably already tried, done, thought of.

7. Just go on a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant

8. Just relax. Stop trying and you'll get pregnant.... I did some research and only 20% of couples with infertility have no identifiable cause. That means 80% of couples (like me and Matt) have one or more diagnosis's to deal with.  If we are to "stop trying" that could mean never having a baby.  Yes there have been people that stop trying and get pregnant. (Praise God!) but that is the exception not the rule.

9. Just adopt and then you'll get pregnant.  First of all, you don’t “just” adopt.  There’s not an adoption store down the street.

According to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, "Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt, and the percentage of people who get pregnant after failed infertility treatment is even smaller. I find the notion of adopting in order to get pregnant totally unconscionable. If you want to adopt then you adopt, but you don't do it as a means of getting pregnant."

Basically any unsolicited advice can kind really hurt feelings.... Here's the thing... We know that's not your heart. It can be difficult to talk with people that are struggling in this area because a lot of people don't know what to say and just want to make you feel better. I know hearts are in the right place. That said, I hope this blog post is educational.

Things you CAN say:

1. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

2. I know I don't understand (if you don't) but know I'm here to talk if you want.

3. We're praying for you (only if you actually are) 

How can you pray for people going through infertility?

Galatians 6:2 “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.”

Please pray for our physical and emotional state, keeping our marriage strong and open in communication, that we would keep Christ at the center, pray for the husband who hates seeing his wife so sad and frustrated. The list probably goes on, but those are the first that come to my mind.

Here's an example of a good text back in December after our due date.

And if it's you going through this battle, remember that GOD is the one that is bigger than any doctor, position, fertility drug, etc.  I've really had to stop and take time to soak in that truth the past couple weeks. It's so hard after each failed round, each bad ultrasound, nurses call, the list goes on.  However, that does NOT change the sovereignty of our Lord. So just as we hope that others would be careful what they say to us, remember to be careful what you say to YOU. 

"Is anything too hard for our God? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son." Genesis 18:14

I hope this helps shed a little light on things.  I know I’m probably guilty of saying some of these before I understood what people are going through in regards to infertility.  A colossal thanks to all my readers for all the support and encouragement along the way!

Keep.the.faith.