In less than 3 weeks, we would've had a baby in our arms….
That sentence is hard to type. Would’ve, should’ve…. Nothing sounds right…
Below is what I wrote the weekend after losing our baby. Keep reading for an
update to see where we are at in our journey now.
This past weekend, I miscarried our sweet baby.
The baby that we prayed so hard for. The baby that was SO unbelievably loved
from the second we saw that positive test. We spent weeks and weeks talking,
dreaming, and praying for this precious life growing inside me. Most were not
aware that we were pregnant, but I share this photo because I think so many
women/spouses try to go through this alone, and think that this should be handled as a private matter.
For a day or so I thought that too. At first I felt so stupid for even telling
family and close friends that we were expecting, but over these past few days
my perspective has changed, and we believe that we created a life, and that our
baby’s life (though WAY too short) is one to be celebrated and praised God for.
I am praying that somehow this picture or the words and scripture written below
would bring some inkling of comfort to someone like it has done for me and
Matt. The loss of our baby has left us beyond empty. Actually, there are no
words to describe our broken hearts. Our baby was called home before we even
had the chance to meet him/her. When we look at this tragedy, we know that
ultimately our job is to trust God through the sadness, the anger, the broken
heartedness. IT IS NOT EASY. Matt and I picture Jesus crying with us as he
holds our baby, and while I would give ANYTHING to be holding my baby, I
suppose there is no better place than in HIS arms. We know who God is, and that
he works ALL things for His good.
Philemon 1:12 “I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart.”
It’s inevitable when
people have something that you want, you see it all the time. New
car, the latest clothes, beautiful bellies…. Pregnant women are EVERYWHERE. (Shout
out to my little sister Kelsey who is 7 months pregnant with her little man,
due in February! Love him so much already!)
In all raw honesty, sometimes the jealousy is consuming. Each woman on
the street has what I want, what I've been praying for, for what seems like
forever… I SO hate to admit this, but each month I cringe at the new set of “We’re
expecting” announcements that flood Facebook. Now before you go on thinking I’m
a terrible person with a wretched heart, let me explain that I am happy for
them. I pray for those little families and hope that they don’t go through a
heartbreaking experience like we, and too many have also gone through.
So, what is wrong with
me??? At this point, we have been with a specialist since about August, and
have learned a lot about my body and WHY it doesn't work the way it should. We
had surgery for my endometriosis in October, and we continue to battle with a
funky case of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, along with some crazy messed up
hormones!
At the end of the day, we
know that GOD is in control. He is SO much bigger than the cysts, the lack of
progesterone, the hormone panels, the ultrasounds….the list goes on. You may be wondering why I’m even telling
this story. Maybe you’re thinking that this is something that should be kept to
myself. To that I would say, if my story brings some kind of comfort to one
person then I will keep on telling this story. April 27th will
always be a day of crippling pain and grief. I remember ever ounce of it. Sadly
miscarriages aren't uncommon; but it doesn't make it any less painful. If you've experienced it, you know the pain
is profound. When you feel this pain,
remember WHOSE YOU ARE. You are a child of God and you are sitting in the palm
of HIS hand.
BUT our story isn't over.
God willing, one day our arms will be full of happy, healthy children. Someday, I’ll be playing with my babies, or
rubbing my big belly and some sweet woman will be eyeing me, and desperately
praying for what I have. So while this
story is one of loss, grieving, and sadness, I will still share it, because
life isn't all about the rainbows. However God does promise rainbows at the end
of the storm. If you’re reading this and your heart is aching for a sweet baby,
persevere.
Keep.the.faith.
