In less than 3 weeks, we would've had a baby in our arms….
That sentence is hard to type. Would’ve, should’ve…. Nothing sounds right…
Below is what I wrote the weekend after losing our baby. Keep reading for an
update to see where we are at in our journey now.
This past weekend, I miscarried our sweet baby.
The baby that we prayed so hard for. The baby that was SO unbelievably loved
from the second we saw that positive test. We spent weeks and weeks talking,
dreaming, and praying for this precious life growing inside me. Most were not
aware that we were pregnant, but I share this photo because I think so many
women/spouses try to go through this alone, and think that this should be handled as a private matter.
For a day or so I thought that too. At first I felt so stupid for even telling
family and close friends that we were expecting, but over these past few days
my perspective has changed, and we believe that we created a life, and that our
baby’s life (though WAY too short) is one to be celebrated and praised God for.
I am praying that somehow this picture or the words and scripture written below
would bring some inkling of comfort to someone like it has done for me and
Matt. The loss of our baby has left us beyond empty. Actually, there are no
words to describe our broken hearts. Our baby was called home before we even
had the chance to meet him/her. When we look at this tragedy, we know that
ultimately our job is to trust God through the sadness, the anger, the broken
heartedness. IT IS NOT EASY. Matt and I picture Jesus crying with us as he
holds our baby, and while I would give ANYTHING to be holding my baby, I
suppose there is no better place than in HIS arms. We know who God is, and that
he works ALL things for His good.
Philemon 1:12 “I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart.”
It’s inevitable when
people have something that you want, you see it all the time. New
car, the latest clothes, beautiful bellies…. Pregnant women are EVERYWHERE. (Shout
out to my little sister Kelsey who is 7 months pregnant with her little man,
due in February! Love him so much already!)
In all raw honesty, sometimes the jealousy is consuming. Each woman on
the street has what I want, what I've been praying for, for what seems like
forever… I SO hate to admit this, but each month I cringe at the new set of “We’re
expecting” announcements that flood Facebook. Now before you go on thinking I’m
a terrible person with a wretched heart, let me explain that I am happy for
them. I pray for those little families and hope that they don’t go through a
heartbreaking experience like we, and too many have also gone through.
So, what is wrong with
me??? At this point, we have been with a specialist since about August, and
have learned a lot about my body and WHY it doesn't work the way it should. We
had surgery for my endometriosis in October, and we continue to battle with a
funky case of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, along with some crazy messed up
hormones!
At the end of the day, we
know that GOD is in control. He is SO much bigger than the cysts, the lack of
progesterone, the hormone panels, the ultrasounds….the list goes on. You may be wondering why I’m even telling
this story. Maybe you’re thinking that this is something that should be kept to
myself. To that I would say, if my story brings some kind of comfort to one
person then I will keep on telling this story. April 27th will
always be a day of crippling pain and grief. I remember ever ounce of it. Sadly
miscarriages aren't uncommon; but it doesn't make it any less painful. If you've experienced it, you know the pain
is profound. When you feel this pain,
remember WHOSE YOU ARE. You are a child of God and you are sitting in the palm
of HIS hand.
BUT our story isn't over.
God willing, one day our arms will be full of happy, healthy children. Someday, I’ll be playing with my babies, or
rubbing my big belly and some sweet woman will be eyeing me, and desperately
praying for what I have. So while this
story is one of loss, grieving, and sadness, I will still share it, because
life isn't all about the rainbows. However God does promise rainbows at the end
of the storm. If you’re reading this and your heart is aching for a sweet baby,
persevere.
Keep.the.faith.
thank you for writing this. i resonate with your words! i would have been due December 15 if i hadn't had a miscarriage. and we were greatly blessed to get pregnant again & now the due date is just 4 months later than that. but after over a year of praying for a baby, i so hear what you are saying about just dreading seeing who else is pregnant. it is so hard on your heart, because you do not wish ill will on them, but you just want that baby to be yours. so thankful that the lord gives the peace that passes all understanding. he will bless your family, and those blessing will be so sweet! praying he sustains you until that time.
ReplyDeletehere is where i blogged a little bit after the miscarriage http://ajkliewer.blogspot.com/2013/05/may.html
Anneliese, Thank you for your comment. I read your blog and could so relate to your post. I'm so happy you are pregnant and healthy with baby #2. Praying for continued health for you and your sweet babe!
DeleteHi Alex! I went to school with Matt. I hope you continue to write more blog posts about your journey! I think you and Matt are very inspiring in your fitness and now this. What a hardship to deal with! I haven't had a miscarriage but 2 years ago I found out I had rapidly growing precancerous cells which required a surgery that in addition to complications resulted in a minimal chance of getting pregnant let alone the chance to carry to full term. Trust me, I notice every single pregnant lady I see and wonder why not me? I often think God knows it's quite possible I don't possess the patience required to be a full time parent but maybe I just use that to comfort myself. Travis has 2 children from a previous marriage and that also weighs on my mind that SHE got to have his children and then was unfaithful and as a result complicated her children's lives forever. I do my best every other weekend but in the end they aren't my children and I don't want to try and take the spot of their mom because no matter my opinions of her she is still their mother and they have no idea of her past so they have every right to cherish her now at their young ages. So you are right, women do eye those lucky pregnant women with envy and for so many different reasons. We just have to give our sadness, anger, and jealousy to The Lord and pray He will bring us to the knowledge and comfort we need.
ReplyDeleteHi Alex! I also went to school with Matt. I have not had a miscarriage, but I DO have PCOS! My hubby and I started trying to get pregnant right after we got married. We tried for 2 years and about 5-6 rounds of clomid & trigger shots. We did manage to get pregnant without any fertility meds. We currently have a VERY rambunctious 3 1/2 year old boy. We did decide to start trying again when our son was 6 months old and have been trying for the last 3 years with no luck. In the last 3 years we have done another 3-4 rounds of clomid & trigger shots with no luck. And now, we will no longer be trying any fertility drugs. At my last yearly, my doctor told me no more b/c I have done so many rounds of meds that now I have to worry about ovarian cancer. So now every month, we hope and pray that that is the month that everything works and falls into place for us to have another child.
ReplyDeleteI also feel hurt and sad when I see all the pregnancy announcements of facebook. And yes I am happy for everyone else, but it still hurts. I try to believe that it will only get better and not hurt as much, but sometimes I don't believe that either. But I do believe that you have to keep your faith in God and he only gives each person what he feels we can each handle, even if it doesn't seem like it at first.
I hope you keep blogging and keep your faith. I know that you and Matt will have as sweet wonderful baby of your own when God sees fit.
I want to encourage you to keep doing this. I will try to check on your blog from time to time and support your effort.. ProfitDreamer.com
ReplyDeleteThank you for your support! I believe this is the ministry God has called me to do right now!
DeleteThank you for sharing your story. I went through a very similar experience and my husband and I struggled sincerely. In time, I have healed and I hope you will too. My husband and I planted a tree and some blue and pink hydrangeas in honor of our sweet baby that we never able to meet. We wanted him/her to know that he/she is always with us! This really helped us to cope. Hopefully, your family can find a way to honor your sweet one and find peace. Wishing you all the best.
ReplyDeleteLove you, and our passion for helping others!!! God will definitely use this for his Glory!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter lost a little boy. She had a cervix that would open up too soon. It's unfortunate, but they don't diagnose it until you start to lose a baby or, ultimately do. We were all devastated! This was her first and as her Mother, I was very excited. Good news! She was able to get pregnant again and now has a beautiful, baby girl, named Reagan. Reagan will be a year in March. Rachel went through so much with this pregnancy, yet, she is willing to do it again for another baby. Yes, the hurt and grief was unbearable, to lose Samuel, but God does bring joy! And I'm thankful that He has placed such knowledgeable doctors in our lives, at this time in history. I will be praying for you and your body to be healed, in Jesus' name. He is the one that is holding all these sweet babies. I, too, miscarried, after I had two beautiful babies. Who knows why this happens, but God does. Keep looking up! He loves you!
ReplyDeleteCheryl
my hubby and I have been trying now for almost 3 years. I as well have PCOS but with very irregular cycles- It never fails that I wll have a couple cycles that are 30 days and then have a long one so I get all hyped up- and like with this last one- 80 days later I will cycle. I pray that you keep searching for the wisdom that he will give you- It is VERY hard to put all your wants and needs aside and rely on HIM but that's the only way. I love being able to see people that I can relate too- It's nice in some ways. We started day one yesterday of this new cycle, so I am hoping and praying for a christmas miracle. I will definitely keep checking in- God bless!!
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